Go for your dreams

I was listening to a motivational audio yesterday and there was one phrase the speaker said that really resonated with me. He said five years from now, you can go for your dreams and achieve them OR you can just be five years older. He reminded us that life is not a dress rehearsal - it is the one chance we have. You have may heard the saying before that there are people who wait to see what will happen, there are people that wondered what happened, there are people that complain about what happened, and there are people that MAKE it happen. So hopefully we can fall into the last batch at least more often than not.

Go for your dreams - make it happen. What's holding you back?

Tranforming Your Trials into Triumphs

Do you find yourself constantly reacting to the circumstances around you? Are you caught in a never-ending blame game with the people around you?

If so, then I hope you will find value in today's article where we'll be discussing the importance of being proactive.

Let us first define what it means to be proactive. It involves more than taking initiative - it is to take responsibility to ensure that we are living our life the way we want. Steven Covey presents an interesting angle on the word responsibility - if you break up the word, it's "response-ability". So it is our ability to choose the way in which we respond. And that way will be based on a set of personal or religious values and conscious decision making as opposed to a reaction based on emotions.

When people react to the circumstances and people around them, anything and everything could affect their attitude and therefore their effectiveness. If the weather is bad, this can affect them. If someone does not treat them well or is having a bad day, this also affects them. When this becomes a consistent pattern of behaviour, the result is that one empowers negative circumstances to control them. This is not to say that proactive people are not influenced by negative circumstances - the difference is, as mentioned, that proactive people respond based on values as opposed to emotions.

It can take courage and honesty to come to this conclusion - that we have caused our own ineffectiveness because of the way that we respond to our environment. However, once we acknowledge this, it will be much easier to also realize that we can be the cause of our own effectiveness, success, and happiness.

Proactive people understand that difficult circumstances can act as a stepping stone to something better and that they can in fact be a force that allows us to find strength in ourselves that we never knew we had. Think of yourself or someone you know who endured a very difficult situation but came out of it with a profound lesson that inspired them and others around them. Furthermore, difficult circumstances cannot only act as a stepping stone but could actually provide you with an entire new perspective on life.

It's important to distinguish though that being proactive does not mean being pushy or bossy - but it means to recognize that we have the ability to improve our environment. So what are some of the ways that you can practically become more proactive? Here are a few to get you started:

1) Observe your language:

Reactive Language:

-"I'll try"
-"That's just the way I am"
-"There's nothing I can do"
-"You ruined my day"
-"I have to"
-"I can't"

Proactive Language
-"I will do it"
-"I can do better than that"
-"Let's look at our options"
-"I am not going to let your bad mood rub off on me"
-"I choose to"
-"There has to be a way"



2) Identify your circle of influence

Think of two circles. The bigger circle is your circle of concern - so the things that concern you but that you may not have any control over. The smaller circle inside of that is your circle of influence. This is the circle where you can be proactive and take action as opposed to focusing all of your time and effort on the circle of concern which includes focusing on the faults of others and problems 'out there'. If we start with ourselves and our circle of influence, we are then focusing our time, effort, and energy in a positive direction.

3) Transform trials into triumphs

Identify a challenge you may be encountering in your personal or work life and identify the first step you can take in your circle of influence to solve it and then take that step. Once this becomes a habit, you will start to see how you can truly transform your trials into triumphs.

Watch your thoughts...

You may notice that a lot of the time, I will post quotes that I came across and liked with my thoughts about them. I am a fan of inspirational, thought provoking quotes and find that sometimes, reading a timely quote can change your perspective on a situation and give you renewed energy and strength. So, here's the first quote I'd like to share with you:

"Watch your thoughts, they become words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become character. Watch your character, it becomes destiny. " Patrick Overton

I couldn't agree more with this quote. In the big scheme of things, it can really be the little, consistent things that we think, say, and do on a daily basis that contribute to our success and fulfillment.

So, what are your thoughts? Do you think of yourself as being successful and offering something valuable to your family, workplace, society, and even the world? Do you speak positively about others? Do you act based on moral principles and work hard to achieve your goals?

Why Change our Habits?

In the last two posts, I started to speak about today's challenges and then moved on to speak about perspective and how it dictates our behaviours. Our behaviour and our character is basically a representation of our habits. Would you agree?

If so, then we can also agree that habits have a very powerful influence in our lives, since they are usually patterns of behaviour that are consistent, yet in most cases, unconscious. These habits can either contribute to our success or our failure - to our effectiveness, or our ineffectiveness.

Based on this principle, Steven Covey discusses the "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People". However, before we delve into the habits, let us first look at Covey's definition of habits. He defines them as "the intersection of knowledge, skill, and desire" (P.47). In other words, knowledge is the 'what' and the 'why'. Skill is the 'how', and desire is the 'want'. In order to change a habit, all three have to work together. For example, if someone has the bad habit of procrastinating, they may know that they shouldn't leave things until the last moment, and they may know how to do so by finishing their tasks in a timely manner, yet they may not want to do so for reasons that they may or may not be aware of. Or another person may know that they have this problem and may have the desire to change it, yet they do not know how to.

A personal development coach can help such people identify what reasons are holding them back from changing a bad habit, set a plan with goals and milestones, provide them with the necessary resources and tools, and follow up with motivation and encouragement until that person has achieved their goal.

As for the seven habits that Covey discusses, the first three will take you from dependence to independence (they are being proactive, beginning with the end in mind, and putting first things first), while habits four, five and six (which are thinking win/win, seeking first to understand, then be understood, and synergizing) will move you to interdependence. What's the difference between the three levels and why do they matter? Covey sums it up very nicely: "Dependent people need others to get what they want. Independent people can get what they want through their own effort. Interdependent people combine their own efforts with the efforts of others to achieve their greatest success" (P.49). Furthermore, he adds that "as an interdependent person, I have the opportunity to share myself deeply, meaningfully, with others, and I have access to the vast resources and potential of other human beings" (P. 51).

It's important to note though that we don't have to master the first three habits in order to move on to the rest. It is all a work in progress.

As for how these habits will contribute to our effectiveness, Covey first defines effectiveness as the "P/PC balance" where P stands for production and PC stands for production capability. For example, the product can be a successful career, but the production capability is you. If you give your all to work, but neglect your health, your family, and your spiritual needs, eventually you won't be able to achieve your product and will have worn out your production capability - in other words, you'll have worn out yourself. At the same time, if there's too much focus on production capability - such as self-indulgence and wasting time, and no focus at all on production, then once again this isn't considered effectiveness. Once again a personal development coach can help one find balance in the different aspects of their lives in order to achieve effectiveness and fulfillment.

Changing one's habits does not come easily - as Marilyn Ferguson says "No one can persuade another to change. Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside. We cannot open the gate of another, either by argument or by emotional appeal". We must open that gate ourselves - it will take courage, strength, and patience but the result is a more fulfilling life. Is it not worth it?

Paradigms: How do you Look at the World?

In my last post, I presented eight challenges we confront today, which Stephen Covey covers in his book: "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People". The challenges were fear and insecurity, the "I want it now" mentality, blame and "victimism", hopelessness, lack of life balance, the "What's in it for me?" frame of mind, the hunger to be understood, and conflict and differences.

I promised that in this upcoming article, I would start to share with you some ideas and solutions about how to deal with those challenges. Challenges that arise even if you seem to be successful in your career, but do not really feel you are making a difference that people would notice if you were gone. Challenges that arise even if you're trying your best to have a harmonious family life, yet you don't feel fulfilled in your relationships.

Sometimes we will try hard to confront these challenges and we will think we've chosen the right course of action, so we will continue on that path. Yet, sometimes, what we really need to do is take a step back and observe our perspective. Our perspective is the way in which we see the world, and that perspective greatly dictates our behaviours. Therefore, in most cases, what needs to happen is for us to examine whether we can change our perspective on a challenge, and to change that perspective, we have to change ourselves first. This is quite befitting of a verse in the Qur'an (Muslims' Holy book) that states: "God does not change the status of a people unless they change what is in themselves" (13:11).

When we speak about changing ourselves, what we speak of us changing our character. It has been reported that many of the literature before World War I described success in terms of "character ethics" such as modesty, courage, integrity, honesty, and humility. Interestingly enough, these are the moral characteristics that are rooted in faith. For example, Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) says: "I was sent in order to perfect moral character".

However, after World War I, there was a shift in the outlook on success such that it became "personality ethics" with an emphasis on our public image and social acceptance. The result was that the focus shifted from the internal to the external realm and instead of living our life according to a set of values and moral characters, we may have slipped into satisfying a public image that allows us to get ahead in society and "succeed".

Obviously, this has come at the expense of our internal happiness and our relationships. So, if we were to take a step back and instead of trying to 'fix' the situation or the individual, whether they are our boss at work, our spouse, or our children, we examine ourselves and our perceptions, slowly but surely, there can be powerful and rewarding shifts in our lives. When we start to find worth in our values and couple those values with actions, the emphasis on our socially accepted public image starts to dissipate, and we start to feel internal satisfaction. For example, when we find value in honesty, hard work, and dedication in our jobs and relationships, the promotion at work or the image of the 'perfect' spouse or 'perfect' child will not hold paramount importance to us, as we have already found satisfaction in our commitment to our values.

Therefore, the message is not to stop seeking excellence in our careers and relationships; however, when our happiness comes from within based on our internal convictions, then we do not solely base our happiness on external factors that are dictated by society.

So I would say next time, before we look at the world, let us look within first.

Today's Challenges

We all have our fair share of different challenges: finances, family, career, etc. Each age presents its unique set of challenges and in "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People", Stephen Covey presents eight challenges that we confront today:

1) Fear and Insecurity
This challenge is even more prominent right now with the current financial crisis. Many people are afraid they will lose their jobs, and some in fact have. Evidently, this is a plausible concern; yet, excessive fear and insecurity leaves us feeling chained and unwilling to take risks or take advantage of new opportunities.

2) "I want it now"
We live in this sort of instant gratification mode where we want the big house, the nice car, the great job, and the most loving husband/wife/children all now. The 'buy now, pay later' approach is more and more common and although that implies buying an item, I see a direct link between that and our relationships. We're not willing to invest in our relationships, to work hard at them, and to be patient with those whom we love most. We want it all, and we want it all to be perfect, now.

3) Blame and 'Victimism'
Some of us have mastered the art of saying "if only my boss wasn't so bad ... and if only I had more money ... and if only my husband or wife weren't so difficult ... if only this and if only that". We constantly blame the people or the circumstances around us and forget that ultimately, we have the ability to change our attitude, our perspective, and our behaviour. We forget the power that we have in our decisions.

4) Hopelessness
The fruits of blame and victimism are hopelessness. When we continue to blame the circumstances and people around us, we quickly succumb to hopelessness, which leads us to an even worse condition. We become prey to what Stephen Covey calls, the "survival response of popular culture", which is: 'just lower your expectations of life to the point that you aren't disappointed by anyone or anything'.

5) Lack of Life Balance
Cell phones, blackberries, emails and other forms of technology that are supposed to make our lives easier, are just placing more demands on us that sometimes cause increased stress and exhaustion. These demands, which may seem urgent, but in many cases, are not important, dictate our lives and take over our priorities and ability to achieve balance and serenity in our lives.

6) 'What's in it for me?'
We're brought up to think that life is a race, a competition and we should look out for ourselves first and foremost. We may try to show happiness when we see others achieve, yet internally, we may feel that we have less chances of achieving since someone else has. Nevertheless, the power of teamwork and the 'we' as opposed to the 'me' where we can work together cooperatively for the sake of the greater good can be much more rewarding.

7) The Hunger to be Understood
We all long to be understood, valued, respected, to have our voices heard and to ultimately have some sort of influence. Seemingly, we can achieve this need by communication, so we expect to speak and be listened to; yet, when others speak, we may not take the time to listen to them deeply and sincerely. We may not have the patience to suspend our agendas only temporarily and not prepare for our response while the other person is still speaking.

8) Conflict and Differences
Different opinions, values, and motivations can naturally be the cause for conflict sometimes. We sometimes try to resolve conflict by thinking 'win-win' in which case a compromise has been struck. Yet, Stephen covey speaks of an interesting concept called "creative cooperation" in which both parties seek to develop solutions that would take them to a better place than where they started off.

For tips on how to overcome these challenges, see future articles.